Submissions

Sunday 2 May 2010

Issue five// Simon Ingram

Paris: The Most Overrated City on Earth

Ah, Paris. It seems every year at least a couple of songs come out singing the praises of this poetic and unique city. Every year millions of tourists flock to the city. Most will be young lovers who have watched Moulin Rouge one too many times, attempting to capture the spirit of a world long since dead with bohemian exploits. Others will be middle-aged married couples, attempting to rekindle the old flame with a visit to the most romantic city in the world. But is Paris as good as our travel agent would have us believe? I've been to Paris myself, and would say I had a pretty good time. But recently it's really been bothering me; is Paris really deserving of its reputation? I gave it some thought, did a bit of research, and have come to the conclusion that... no, it's not that great. In fact, it's a bit of a dump. Read on.

-----The most romantic thing about Paris is, of course, the legendary catacombs which run underneath the city. No one knows for sure how many corpses have wound up beneath the Parisian streets, but we're talking millions here. And as we all know, nothing says 'romance' like strolling the moonlit streets of Place Denfert-Rochereau with a loved one, knowing you're standing above the largest mass grave in the world. But hey, the actual Parisians themselves are a pretty cool bunch, right? All happy and fashionable and bohemian? Well yeah, they are. If you don't count the 15,000 homeless, of course. Just to put that in perspective, that's 15,000 out of a population of 2,203,817. Compare that to roughly 4,500 in London out of a population of 7,556,900, and its clear that Paris has a real problem taking care of its down-and-outs. Anyone who has been to Paris will have witnessed the mass of tramps and beggars that line the streets. I don't mean carefree, happily-living-outside-of-society homeless either, I mean starving downtrodden beggars that quite often lie in the middle of the pavement praying that enough sympathetic tourists toss them enough Euros so they can fight off death for just a few more hours. So you're walking past countless tramps and walking over countless dead bodies, and maybe you start to think that Paris isn't all it's cracked up to be. Ok, well, Paris has plenty of famous landmarks, maybe we should check them out?

-----First off, Notre Dame. The world famous cathedral, famously featured in that movie about a deformed guy who wanted to get it on with a chick waaaaaay out of his league. Now, I'm not a religious man, but I've been to it anyway, just out of curiosity. I have to say, if you are religious, this probably isn't the best place to go to if you want a good old-fashioned pray. Remember that bit in the New Testament where Jesus goes to the temple and finds traders selling trinkets and such like? You will also remember that Jesus goes ape-shit and trashes the place, shouting as he does so "Seriously you guys, get the fuck out of here or I'll tell my Dad" or something. Well Notre Dame pretty much pisses all over that story. People are trying to flog you crappy souvenirs as soon as you step within half a mile of this place, and inside is even worse. Look, I'm all for people wanting to have symbols of their faith in order to always remind them of their trip, but the day I want a jumbo sized plastic spoon with Jesus' face on it is the day I get myself committed. Any aura of holiness and tranquillity the place might have is ruined by these opportunists, and unless it's raining I would avoid at all costs. Alright, what about the Eiffel Tower? Paris's most famous landmark, standing a staggering 324 m (1,063 ft) tall. For us humble Brits, it is an impossible dream that one day we too may have a free-standing tower as magnificent as this. Oh wait, we do. Thats right, the mighty Emley Moor transmitting station in West Yorkshire. Standing at a cloud-stabbing 385.5 metres (1,265 ft) tall. It protrudes ever upwards, gracefully extending like a middle finger, as if to say "Damn you God! Damn you and your laws of physics!" Of course, no-one gives a crap about the EMTS, and why should they? It's just a tower, but at least it actually has a purpose, whereas the Eiffel Tower was just a glorified entrance way of the 1889 World's Fair: an old world pissing contest that featured as its main attraction a "Negro village" (in other words, a human zoo), where 400 indigenous people were displayed. So next time you're at the Eiffel Tower and admiring the view, just remember how even more romantic and spectacular it must have looked when it was first built, with some of the greatest and most glorified old-school racism the world had ever seen.

-----So there we have it, Paris, in all its glory. I'm sure plenty of you will strongly disagree with my thoughts on the city, but then where would the fun be if you didn't?

Best song about Paris:
That one by Friendly Fires

Best Film about Paris:
Moulin Rouge


Best article about Paris:
You just read it, baby.

© Simon Ingram 2010